I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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