I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
