while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
