we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
