I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
