i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
