just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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