dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
