we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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