If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car