Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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