You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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