oh god the rape fog is back!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
