I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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