hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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