I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
