I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
