Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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