shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
