and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
