We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
