everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
