Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm like, not good at living.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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