When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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