Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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