I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
