Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
