You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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