What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
