Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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