thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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