Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
