You just made me feel so damn special
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
