I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
