I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
