im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
