It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
