ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
