One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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