just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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