DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
