Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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