Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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