A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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