shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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