i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
