so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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