you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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