he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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