Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
