I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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