I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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