You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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